


How To Get Stabbed and Woo Someone Through Puns

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Doctor Remus, M/M, Patient Sirius, puns, so many puns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-08
Updated: 2016-02-08
Packaged: 2018-05-18 22:56:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5946399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Week Six: A story about finding something that is lost.</p><p>You could say Remus and Sirius meet by accident. Sirius gets stabbed in an attempted mugging after making a bad pun. Remus is his doctor. There’s an obnoxious amount of puns.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How To Get Stabbed and Woo Someone Through Puns

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



> This is week six in the [52 Week Writing Challenge](http://ourwritingtherapy.tumblr.com/post/135439311691/52-short-stories-in-52-weeks) . If you have any story ideas you'd like to see go along with any of these prompts let me know.
> 
>  
> 
> This is for [lala-lady-elena](http://lala-lady-elena.tumblr.com)who wanted a fic based on [this post](http://lala-lady-elena.tumblr.com/post/138637427240/okay-i-really-need-a-wolfstar-au-where-remus-is-a#Notes) as well as [this post](http://poe-rey-mi-finn.tumblr.com/post/138645689645/instagramofficial-cop-can-you-describe-the-guy). She also gave me the inspiration for James throwing Sirius’ keys (she suggested jacket, phone or whatever) down the alleyway. I also incorporated Valentine’s Day because it’s coming up and I felt like making James super cliché.

“I told you he was an arse. I also told you not to come complaining to me when you figured out he was an arse. I do feel bad that it was on Valentine’s Day, though. But I can’t sit and cuddle you because I have a date with Lily. Very important! I told you, unless you were dying to not interrupt this.” James all but growled at his best mate. Which, was completely understandable because Sirius had barged into the fancy restaurant mid-meal to tell James he found Gilderoy with his cock down some other bloke’s throat.  
  
Sirius huffed and put his hands on his hips. “I can’t believe you’re actually going to ask her to marry you on Valentine’s Day. I hope she throws a glass of red wine at you.”  
  
“Bugger off, Sirius!” James mussed up his stupid hair. Sirius was enjoying how distressed his friend was getting. He loved pushing James’ buttons because he was normally mild tempered.  
  
“You know, normally, I would think Lily would say yes whenever you asked. But this is the most clichéd thing you could possibly do. I’m surprised you’re not bringing her home to our flat lit with a massive amount of candles and red rose petals all over the floor.” Sirius twirled his key ring around his finger.  
  
“I thought you were here because you had your heart broken, not to wind me up.”  
  
“My heart’s not broken, I’m just angry.” Sirius shrugged and tossed his keys up in the air. Before he could catch them James snatched them out of  midair.  
  
“You twat, you interrupted me for nothing. We could have talked about this tomorrow and tonight you could have gone out and pulled or something.”  
  
“It wasn’t completely noth—”  
  
James took the keys and chucked them down the alleyway they were standing next to.  
  
“You arsehole! Why’d you do that?” Sirius shrieked.  
  
“Because you interrupted my date and soon to be proposal, you fucking prick.” James pushed by Sirius to go back into the restaurant.  
  
“Oi! Where are you going? You have to help me.” Sirius said, stomping his foot.  
  
“No, I have to go back to Lily and ask her to fucking marry me.” James snapped before flinging the heavy door open with too much ease.  
  
Sirius sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. He was too far from his flat to walk home and he didn’t have his wallet on him so he couldn’t take any other type of transportation. Plus, he wasn’t going to leave his bike so far away over night. He needed to find those keys. That wouldn’t have been too difficult if it weren’t the middle of the night or if there was more light than Sirius’ mobile.  
  
“I’m going to kill him.” Sirius complained as he tried to best to canvas the dark alley ground. “Fucking wanker.” He muttered as he heard footsteps behind him. He assumed that it was his mate, coming back to grovel for forgiveness for being a jerk. “James, I don’t want your help. Go back to Lily. If you feel bad you can repay me with an expensive bottle of champagne and endless amounts of french pastry tomorrow.” Sirius straightened up a little but was still staring at the ground.  
  
“Dunno who James is but I’m not him.” A rough voice said.  
  
Sirius spun around on his heel to find a tall person with a hoodie covering most of his face. He was getting closer to Sirius, who had his back against the wall. Sirius felt his blood run cold and his gut clenched. This was not where he wanted to be on Valentine’s Day. In an alley, about to get mugged after rowing with his friend and finding his no ex with another man.  
  
“Look, mate, I don’t have any money on me. You can have my phone but…” Sirius frowned.  
  
The man brandished a knife and thrust it out at Sirius. “Yer lyin’, you posh git. Empty yer pockets.”  
  
Sirius sighed, looking at the knife. He couldn’t help himself with the words that came tumbling out of his mouth. “Well, this night has taken a _sharp_ turn.”  
  
That apparently wasn’t the right thing to say.

***

Sirius woke up groggy and everything was a bit fuzzy around the edges. “Ah, Mister Black, good to have you back with the rest of the world.” A pleasant voice spoke, it sounded pretty far away.  
  
“What — where am I?” He blinked a few more times, things coming into focus. Sirius registered that he was on an uncomfortable bed with monitors and an IV attached to him.  
  
“You’re in the hospital Mister Black.” The voice said.  
  
Sirius finally found the source of the voice. A tall doctor in a white coat over dark trousers and a pink button up. He had a tawny mass of curls on the top of his head. His eyes were a nice golden-brown and his nose was a little big but completely adorable. He was wearing a crocked little smile as he looked at Sirius. Of course he was cute. How did Sirius have such luck that he’d end up with a good looking doctor? He groaned internally.  
  
“Do you remember what happened?”  
  
“Well, my ex best mate threw my keys down a dark alley and as I was looking for them, some bloke came along and tried to mug me. I didn’t have any cash on me and I may have made a bad pun…” Sirius frowned. He didn’t think the mugger would get angry over a joke. He thought it might take some of the tension out of the whole situation.  
  
“A bad pun, huh?” The doctor raised an eyebrow.  
  
“Yes… Ah, I said that my night had taken a sharp turn.”  
  
“Oh, that’s terrible.” The doctor laughed. “Sorry, sorry, I shouldn’t be laughing at your pain but I think you really made this bloke mad. I’ve never seen someone with so many stab wounds. You’re actually lucky you didn’t bleed out or have serious internal damage. Most of the wounds were shallow. How much pain are you in now?”  
  
Sirius grimaced, no wonder why his abdomen was hurting. “Ah, not bad right now.”  
  
“We have you on some good pain killers, then.” The doctor nodded, making a note on the clipboard he was carrying. The doctor went on to tell him about the damage his liver, spleen, and stomach had sustained. Sirius was going to have to stay in the hospital for observation for a week. “I know it sounds terrible but it’s for your own good. Wounds involving the abdomen and its internal organs are tricky and need to be monitored closely.”  
  
“Okay. I’ll just make sure someone brings me my laptop and a book or two. Does this place have wifi?”  
  
“Yes.” The doctor laughed. “Also, when you’re feeling a bit up to it the police want to ask you some questions. You can let someone know when you’re feeling up to it and we’ll contact the number we were left. Oh, and your mates were here all night. I sent them home around six this morning but they said they would be back later. It’s nearly two in the afternoon, so I’m going to assume you’ll be seeing them soon.”  
  
Sirius nodded and licked his lips. “I’m not going to die, am I?” He asked in a sudden panic.  
  
“You’re doing well, Mister Black. No complications yet, and that’s promising. I have to go do some rounds, the nurse will be in, in a bit.”  He was about to leave.  
  
“What is your name, by the way?”  
  
“Oh, Remus—- er, Doctor Lupin.” Remus flushed.  
  
Sirius grinned. “Thank you, Doctor Remus Lupin.”  
  
Remus nodded before heading out.

***

After Sirius had another kip, he woke up to the nurse checking in on him again. She also informed him that Lily and James were there. He was so happy to see them when they came in. Even if he was a little mad at James for the whole thing  
  
“I can’t bloody believe you went and got yourself stabbed.” Lily complained, dropping a bag from Sirius’ flat on the edge of his bed.  
  
“Your boyfriend got me into the situation.” Sirius complained.  
  
“Fiancé.” Lily said with a twinkle in her eye. “We had a good night until you got stabbed. Also, it’s your own fault for barging into the dinner.”  
  
“I’m so sorry, Sirius.” James perched himself on the edge of his bed and took Sirius’ hand. “I didn’t think you’d get mugged. I’ve been beside myself.”  
  
“He was crying like a child. Even when the doc said you’d be okay.” Lily snorted a laugh.  
  
“It’s fine. Well, not really because I apparently almost died and I feel like I’m going to die from this pain right now. But the doctor’s say I’ll live.” Sirius heaved out a sigh. “Just tell me that you’re going to be giving me fancy champagne and pastry when I’m able to eat such things. I asked the mugger when I thought it was you.”  
  
“Promise.” James dropped a kiss to the corner of his mouth. “I also want you to be my best man.”  
  
“Of course I will, you wanker. Even if I hate you a little right now. I doubt it will last long though.” Sirius said as the door opened and Doctor Lupin strode in. He was looking just as adorable as earlier in the day.  
  
“Sorry, hope I’m not interrupting.” The tawny haired man said with a grin. “Just wanted to make sure you’re all set. Nurse Meadows said you’re abdomen was aching.”  
  
“Yeah, uh, it’s worse than it was earlier.”  
  
Remus frowned and walked over closer to the bed. He asked Sirius if it was okay for him to take a look with James and Lily in the room and he said that it was fine. It’s not like they had any secrets from one another. After checking everything Remus said that he should be okay and he’d up his dose of medication. He also wanted to order an MRI, just to make sure everything was okay.  
  
“You should be just fine but I want to just cover all the bases. Can’t be too careful, can we?” The doctor smiled. “I’ll leave you to it. Someone will be in soon enough to take you for the MRI.” Remus said as he adjusted the machine his morphine was coming out of.  
  
Sirius gave him a nod before the doctor could leave.  
  
“Bloody hell, you fancy your doctor.”  
  
“He’s so cute!” Sirius groaned and put a hand over his face. “Not that he’s interested in me, I’m just a patient.” He also doubted that Remus would want to date someone who made a bad pun and got stabbed multiple times for it.  
  
“I thought everyone was interested in you.”  
  
“Well, usually I’m hard to resist but I doubt he wants to date me after seeing my internal organs.”  
  
“Maybe it’s a turn on.” James quipped.  
  
“That’s creepy.”

***

Remus chewed on the cap of his biro. He was finishing up some paperwork at the nurse’s station towards the end of his day. It had a been a very long one and he was ready to go home. “Hey, Remus.” Dorcas sat down in the chair next to him. “You look knackered.”  
  
“Mmm, I am knackered.” He confirmed, signing his last sheet. “Why can’t everything be done on a tablet? Other hospitals are doing it. It would make life so much easier.”  
  
“All you do is bitch and moan.” Marlene said as she came over to lean on the counter in front of them. “Off now?”  
  
“I’m going to check on my stabbing patient then I’m done.”  
  
Marlene raised an eyebrow. “Huh, the fit bloke who nearly got murdered for a pun.”  
  
“Yes, he was in some pain.” Remus looked down at his paperwork, avoiding making eye contact with Marlene.  
  
“Well, he got stabbed, of course he’s in some pain. It’s nothing unusual. You like him, I can tell. You are an attentive doctor but you’ve been in his room more times than I can count today.” Dorcas snickered, drumming her fingers. “You going to ask him out? You haven’t dated since Gid left. That was a year and a half ago. You can’t be all work and no play.”  
  
“He’s my patient. It’s unethical to date him.” Remus shook his head.  
  
“It’s probably unethical for me to date a nurse but I do it.” Marlene winked at Dorcas, who rolled her eyes.  
  
“It’s different, I could actually get into big trouble.” Remus stood up. “I’m off to check on my PATIENT and then go home before I fall asleep on my feet.”  
  
Remus made his way down the hall to Sirius’ room, ignoring anything else the women were saying. He hated that he had a little crush on the man. It really was Not Good but he couldn’t help it. Sirius was fit and now that he was up and talking, he was funny and smart. He now had at least seven days with Sirius around. This was probably going to be terrible. He had a job to do, though and if he was anything, it was professional.  
  
The doctor walked into the room, finding another person with Sirius’ friends. He looked a bit like Sirius with narrow grey eyes and light tanned skink. But his face was a little rounder and his hair was cut short. It was very obvious that they were somehow related. If they weren’t siblings, Remus would have been surprised. “Are you here to kick us out?” The person asked.  
  
“No.” Remus laughed and looked at his watch. “There’s another hour for visitors. I’m just checking in before I head home. You’re MRI results show that things are fine so your pain is just normal.” He moved closer to the bed.  
  
“He’s a big gay baby, mate.” The new person said with a snicker.  
  
“Oi! Reg!” Sirius hissed. “I was stabbed!”  
  
“Because you egged on the mugger.” Reg snapped back.  
  
“Your brother’s right, Sirius.” The redhead said. “If you just handed over the phone, I bet he wouldn’t have said a thing.”  
  
“Some mates you lot are.”  
  
“You actually told your friends what you said to your mugger? I would have kept that to myself. I mean I may have told the rest of the staff in the wing….”  
  
“Hey! What about doctor-patient confidentiality?” Sirius glared at him.  
  
“That only goes with medical records and such.” Remus smiled at Sirius. “It’s a good story. You brightened many days. I also didn’t share your name or anything or anything to do with your medical situation.”  
  
Sirius’ face was now red.  
  
“Sorry.” Remus bit his lip and went to go check Sirius’ chart. “How are you feeling? Outside of me completely embarrassing you like a twat?”  
  
“Like I’ve been gutted.”  
  
“If you were gutted, things would be a lot worse.” The dark-skinned, messy haired man said. “Drama queen.”  
  
Remus hid his chuckle behind the chart. “To be fair, the abdomen is very sensitive and he really did have a great deal of injuries.”  
  
“He needs tough love, doctor. He’ll never learn.” Reg shook his head.  
  
“Git.” Sirius muttered.  
  
“Well, since everything is okay here, I’m off for the night. I’ll see you tomorrow morning.” Remus put his chart back. “Try to get a goodnights rest, I know it might be hard in here.”  
  
“Sirius could sleep on a rock in the middle of the city and get a good rest.” The redhead commented with a smile.  
  
Remus laughed before he said goodnight to the room so he could finally leave and head for his flat. He couldn’t wait to have a hot shower, cup of tea, and then crawl under his duvet to sleep for about twelve hours. The night he found himself thinking about Sirius. He really should have thought the man an idiot for throwing a pun at the man who stabbed him. But he thought it was hilarious. Sirius was funny and fit and Remus was in big, big trouble.

***

The next day Remus headed in to the hospital, feeling refreshed and ready to go. He made his rounds, saving Sirius for last. He said it was because where his room was located but he knew that it was bullshit. He just wanted to have extra time with his very attractive patient. When he entered the room he found two police officers there.  
  
No one seemed to notice he had walked in so they continued questioning. “And can you give us a description of the man.” The tall, black officer asked.  
  
“Well, he wasn’t very friendly.” Sirius said with a pout.  
  
Remus couldn’t help it and he burst into laughter. The three men all looked to him standing in the doorway. Sirius looked thoroughly embarrassed again. “Sorry, I was just doing my rounds. I can give you sometime.”  
  
“We were just wrapping up. Shouldn’t be long now.” A shorter, gruffer man said.  
  
“I’ll give you a few more minutes.” Remus ducked out and went to the nurses’ station across from Sirius’ room, where Alice was at the computer frowning about something.  
  
“Why do you doctors have to go and change things all the time?” She complained as he leaned his hip against the counter.  
  
“Oh, I don’t know, patient’s wellbeing, I guess. Mostly we like screwing with the nurses.”  
  
“I know you’re joking about the last bit but I tend to think that it’s true.” Alice said, her fingers striking the keys quickly. “Done with your rounds? Bored?”  
  
“No, waiting on the last one.”  
  
“Yeah, Black’s talking to the officers about his mugging. Not like they’ll actually catch the person, unless he gives a damned good description.”  
  
Remus bit his lips, having a feeling that wasn’t going to happen with how Sirius had started the description. But he wasn’t going to tell Alice. It had already got around that Sirius was nearly killed for making a bad pun. He wasn’t going to make him feel any worse.  
  
A few minutes later the officers left Sirius’ room and Remus went in to finish up what he mean to do earlier. “Hello, Mister Black.”  
  
“Can you please call me Sirius, I beg you. Mister Black was my father and he was not a good man.” Sirius set aside his phone.  
  
“Okay, Sirius, no problem.” Remus smiled at him. “I’m sorry for laughing earlier. I just wasn’t expecting that.”  
  
“It’s fine. I mean, how the bloody hell am I supposed to describe a bloke who jumped me in a dark alley? I didn’t exactly see any details of his face. The only thing I could tell them was that he was tall and white — I think he was white at least. It could have been you.”  
  
“Oh, thanks.” Remus laughed and picked up Sirius’ chart. “I only wield knives in the operating room. I also would have laughed if you said the sharp turn bit to me. Clearly, the man didn’t have a good sense of humor. I hope you put that in the description.”  
  
“I did, actually.” Sirius grinned. “I don’t think the officers thought that I was funny.”  
  
“You’re hilarious, in my opinion. Puns are fun.”  
  
“Well, I’m a very _punny_ person.”  
  
“That was bad.” Remus chuckled. “You could do better. You know how many medical puns I have?” Remus raised an eyebrow.  
  
“How many?”  
  
“ _Punreds_.” Remus deadpanned.  
  
“Horrible!” He said but had a smile.  
  
“I really do have a lot. Like, CPR is a near _breath_ experience.”  
  
“That’s so bad.” Sirius laughed anyway.  
  
“You know, people are always so tired after giving blood.”  
  
“Sure…”  
  
“It’s a _draining_ experience.”  
  
Sirius rolled his eyes. “You’re _punbelievable_.”  
  
“I have more where those came from but I think I should actually do my work here.” Remus said, noticing the slight frown from Sirius.  
  
“That’s so boring.”  
  
“Yeah, boring old me, tying to make sure you’re okay.” Remus shook his head. He wished he could he sit and talk about stupid puns all day but he had a job to do. He needed to be professional, which he was sure was going to be difficult with Sirius.

***

“One of my patients just passed out.” Remus said when he came into Sirius’ room on the sixth morning of his hospital stay. Sirius looked forward to each time the doctor would visit. They were the highlights of the day. As nice as the nurses were, Remus was the only person on the staff that Sirius wanted to see.  
  
“Oh yeah, what happened?”  
  
“I haven’t the _faintest_ idea.”  
  
Sirius tried to suppress the smile that was tugging on the corners of his lips. That was how Remus’ visits would go. They’d make a bad pun or two, Remus would check Sirius’ progress, and then they’d chat for a few minutes about various things. He thought being in the hospital for a week would be extremely boring but he was almost going to miss it. Or, he was going to miss Remus.  
  
“Everything looks in order. You’re going to be able to be discharged tomorrow.” The doctor said after checking Sirius’ wounds.  
  
“I’m going to miss the medical puns. I might have to come back here for _irony_ deficiency.”  
  
“Nice one.” Remus was about to move away from Sirius so he reached out and grabbed him around the wrist. Sirius felt Remus’ pulse quicken. “Something wrong?”  
  
“Yeah, no, well… I — I know it’s probably not on to go out with a patient but I’m not going to be your patient anymore. After tomorrow.”  
  
“Right…” Remus was giving him a skeptical look.  
  
“I was hoping I didn’t read any of this wrong. Um, would you fancy going on a date with me?”  
  
“Sirius—”  
  
“I mean I know you’re probably just a nice bloke. You’re really caring and that’s probably your doctor thing. I’m not even sure if you’re gay. But the nurses dropped some hints about how I’m your favorite patient and such. I thought, maybe, I don’t—”  
  
“Sirius, calm down. Of course I fancy you. It’s been so hard to keep things strictly profession because you’re brilliant and funny.”  
  
Sirius perked up, a smile blossoming across his features. He had a feeling Remus felt the same way but he just couldn’t be sure. He was glad that he asked because he didn’t think that. “So, you’ll go on a date.”  
  
“Yes, when you’re feeling up to it.”  
  
“I’m up to it now.”  
  
“When you’re up to it and out of the hospital.” Remus clarified.  
  
“I’ll be up to it tomorrow after I’m out.”  
  
“Can’t then, I’m working a double. We’ll figure it out later. You might be very tired when you get home.” Remus reminded him. “We’ll figure something out afterwards.”

***

A few days later Remus headed over to Sirius’ flat after getting off of his shift. Remus told the other man he shouldn’t be doing too much activity but Sirius wouldn’t stop bugging him about how he wanted a date now. So it was decided that Remus would come over to watch movies. Remus picked up some food from a Greek place near Sirius’ flat. He was actually glad to have a night in and not go out to a restaurant. Being around people all day was draining sometimes and this was one of them.  
  
When he arrived at Sirius’ flat, the other man greeted him with a big smile. Remus didn’t realize how rich Sirius was. His flat looked like it was out of a design magazine but it still felt homey. Sirius led him to the living room, where there was a large telly and even bigger sofa. Sirius went to take the bag of food but Remus pulled it back. “Sit down, I’ll take care of it. You shouldn’t be bending a twisting and such.”  
  
Sirius smiled and sat down on the sofa. “I think you’re a goalie you know?”  
  
“Huh?”  
  
“You’re a real _keeper_.” Sirius laughed as he watched Remus spread the food out on the table.  
  
“Smooth.” Remus smiled before making up plates for the both of them.  
  
Not a moment later he sat down next to Sirius, only a few centimeters separating their thighs and shoulders. Sirius set his plate aside on the cushion next to him. “What do you want to watch?”  
  
“Something horribly cheesy because I’ve had a long day.” Remus said while Sirius turned the telly and blu-ray player on. It was one of those fancy ones you could stream Netflix right from it.  
  
“I can do that.” Sirius clicked through menus. “I hope this isn’t a boring date.”  
  
“I’m not expecting much, you were stabbed and almost killed nearly a week ago. I would have waited for the day, you know?”  
  
“No, I wanted you here. Lily and James are busy and Regulus is out of the country.”  
  
“So I’m a stand in?” Remus laughed as Sirius scrolled the movie options.  
  
“No, you’re the first choice.”  
  
Remus didn’t say anything, he just smiled before taking a bite of his fried zucchini.  
  
Halfway into their terrible movie, the plates had been put on the coffee table and Sirius was resting against Remus. The doctor’s arm was around his shoulders. It was so comfortable with Sirius. Perfectly easy. “Pretty sure this is the best date I’ve ever had.”  
  
“You’re a cheap date then.” Remus kissed the top of Sirius’ head.  
  
“I am anything but cheap, Remus Lupin.”  
  
“Mmm, I know. You’re the best guy I’ve met to date.”  
  
“Was that a pun? If it was it was clever.”  
  
“I meant it both ways.”  
  
Sirius lifted his head up to moved forward and press his lips to Remus’. After moment Sirius pulled back with a satisfied grin. “You know what Remus? When you’re kissing flowers, _tulips_ are better than none.”  
  
“Oh god.”


End file.
